rain and fire

it rained today. It poured down as I left my bed and began to drill away all the worries. It washed and fell and cleansed like I so dearly wanted. A few days ago I did what needed to be done. I broke up with the boy, we broke up, mutual. I should have got it all out then, but I didn't. These past few days a have been like the Great Niagra falls.

Countless glittering diamonds

Precious drops of pain

And now after the rain I am relieved, I am cleansed, I am free of the burden of one who doesn't love you back.

The rain came. The rain after the fire. The fire of my pain and anger.

Cleansed

sour

it was so sweet, warm and beautiful. is it possibly a case of out of sight out of heart? Perhaps it was a marathon text session with a wrong number last night, but for some reason i'm craving the taste of his presence in my life far less than i thought was reasonable. Perhaps the honeymoon is truly over... my mind wanders from him, not quite to another but he has ceased his vigil in my mind.

can i pray for passion to be re-ignited before my fire truly dwindles beyond a change of re-kindling. I'm worried.

order and chaos

currently its a water-whirl of emotion and infectivity. If it wasn't enough that this semester is going ahead like a freight train with me running my hardest behind to keep up, I hit a road block. They still don't know what it is but somewhere some virus is trying to attack me in the best way it can find.

Exhausted I'm facing the last weeks of semester and feelings are overwhelming me. The times to come that I'm avoiding are looming ahead like a tsunami and the wind in my face and breathing down my throat is laden with the thickness of water. I'm drowning. Perhaps because I have no energy to fight the water's pull below me. To top it off in my lashings against the current i lashed out at the girl who shares this house. Typical for a woman of her mold its world war three in her eyes while all i'm trying to do is live day by day and keep my head above water with what little energy i have left.

In my carefully planned out ordered world it has turned out to be chaotic anyway. I just hope I can find a buoy to cling onto and relieve the never-ending fight. My boy does offer some comfort though; my buoy with the clattering bell.

the smell of soil in every pore

Life is life, nothing more nothing less. Life is merely life. Yes, you get knocked down and we are told to get back up again, bounce like something made of rubber. We are made of flesh and blood, weighted down by bone... and i can tell you know we certainly aren't made to bounce.

we fall and if it wasn't for our pride we may stay there.

I fell up the stairs this morning and i was up before i knew it. gathered my belongings, laughed it off and kept walking. Pride lets us bounce right back up, feeling the bruises on our legs later in order to prevent bruises on our pride.

But what happens when our pride can't lift us off the ground when our very bones have given up? When we've been knocked so hard we have a crash landing site in the soil around us?

a very good person once told me:
'When someone pushes you down, your friends give you a hand and help you up. Your best friend tells you to stay down and says "she's got it".'

And yes, it is your best friend that wants to bounce in place of your pride, and let you rest a while with the smell of soil in every pore. In times of need when life pushes you so hard you feel broken in every bone of your existence, you can rely on your best friend to let your rest and recoup while they fight off the dangers to your pride.

So I say regardless of where life takes you, ensure it takes you past some good people who you know will bounce for you when you need it. They are the only ones that can save your pride when life gives you the worst knocks.

and then it rained...

So i was elated for most of this wonderful beginning of spring. Then it rained. and when i say it rained, it drenched and filled your skin, one your skin was full it fulled your muscle, and then progressed to your bone. But it hasn't stopped there. This deep penetrating rain that progressively erodes the happiness brought by the sun. Its not just my washing that's dripping; I feel like i'm melting right down to a tiny puddle on the floor.

I wonder why us women can be crazy sometimes. What is it that makes us freak out over the small little inconsequential things. What is it that makes us feel like every little spat or quarrel is the end of the world. Yes, men they have fight and get over it. Why do we want to hold it all inside and let it stew till we are driven crazy by it all. Why is it that I reacted so bad to my boy standing up for himself, refusing to take my well-meant advice? Perhaps he is doing exactly what I wanted him to do for himself the whole time: grow up and be a man, be capable of looking after himself and not rely on me to make sure he was still galloping off in the right direction.

I wonder if it just the weather getting to me. I wonder if it is this endless rain that has washed all my common sense and logic away along with my clothes and desire to appreciate the outdoors. But then again it could be just that I am a female and have my crazy moments just like every other woman out there. I just hope I wont disturb the waters too much while I drown in my illogical freak out.

The first day of Spring

(here is a post i made offline on the 1st of September)

Today is the first day of spring. Spring, the season of new life, flowers, warmth after a long, cold and usually bleak series of months that can leave a person rather worn down. Oh the hope and joy that the sight of the blue skies bring to a wanderer on the first day of spring, the new warmth wrapping their backs in a welcoming hug. Yes, the first day of spring is optimistic, and surely a sign of a good day.

Today has been a good day. A good breakfast of muesli-turned-porridge with the fresh bursts of dried fruit started me off right. My morning simulation lab went so well; free of frustration and full of good restorations topped by an inspiring discussion in my class after. My bus driver home was pleasant and didn’t forget my stop! Yes today lived up to its reputation of being the first day of spring, leaving me hopeful for the future when my winter was so dark.

My winter was full of exams failed, stress, almost break-up breaks, cars breaking down and radios giving up the ghost. Indeed my winter was not the most pleasant. If it wasn’t something going wrong with uni, especially in my sim labs, it was something at home. Loud sex and used condoms from my housemate, arguments from the other housemate, issues with my car and even issues closer to my heart.

But now that the winter clouds have parted, I see the future as bright, full of sun, breeze and warmth. My good deeds done in past seasons will perhaps shine brightly on me in this new one. As my good person told me yesterday during my darkest hour before the dawn, what goes around comes around. So despite what horrible actions I must have made some time ago to cause such a horrible winter, my concerted effort in recent times to be good and positive, leave me feeling hopeful for what wonderful times are yet to come.

Perhaps it is just the weather and a change of seasons, or perhaps my winter really has ended. Regardless, on this first day of spring I am hopeful, happy, and full of the sun’s welcoming warmth.

warm fuzzy slippers and a pair of running shoes.

Here I am, watching Sex and the City and talking to my person via skype. All the girls on the big screen are off having adventures and complaining about not having that one person that they love and can see themselves with for the rest of their lives: there are all these dramas and problems. If there wasn't, there wouldn't be a story! Ha, so I just undid my argument by over-thinking. But it is interesting non the less to notice that these women on the big screen desire what my person on the little screen has: a stable, loving, long term and perfect relationship. Yeah they have their ups and downs, but by all means its perfect.

Why can't I accept that mine pretty much is?

Its like I'm scared of being trapped. Trapped in something that's wonderful, but it means that I never get to try the variety around me.

My good and wise person tells me that perhaps its the want what you can get syndrome.

I believe that its because I need to get the adrenalin racing. Step over the line, push the boundaries, climb a mountain and scream at the top that you'd made it!!!! The fire, the energy, the excitement.... I miss it I guess.

But who's to say that I can't have my thrill and excitement and also my seemingly-perfect relationship? I desire the thrill of the new, the energy of flirting. I feel in a way that I can't have that. I can't flirt with the guys that are flirting with me, I'm in a relationship and I find that so morally wrong. But when you notice a guy attempting to flirt, it reminds me that I can't get that anymore.

Why does it bother me?

I'm only young and I don't want to waste these years of vitality. A friend of mine got married recently, another has a toddler. I feel it as a locking down for the rest of your life. I hesitate to be trapped in something and miss the world as it passes you by. Like being on a train travelling in a foreign country. Yes you are safe and you get somewhere, but I want to stop and experience the grass on my feet, the dappled shade of the trees. Smell the foreign pollen and see the fuzzy little bumblebees that you can only find in that place. The world is a big place, and I have some desire to experience the lot of it. I guess I'm afraid that I'm missing out on something.

I live in hope that I can discover a way of getting my adrenalin rush, my worldly experience, and not have to leave him. We have that rare spark that I appreciate so much. I guess it's why we've lasted so long. He's special, but I have this urge to experience what the world has to offer while I still can. Wear my running shoes bit still come home to my warm slippers.