So I have been going out with Snuffleupagus for almost 1 year (we celebrate it this Friday). I love him more that I can imagine. More than I ever thought was possible.. especially more that I thought I loved the boy. It gives me reason on reflection that I didn't ever love him but was more in love with the idea of him.
Ryan lives up North with me. I recently went back South to visit my family and friends. I had a lot of fun during the past week. I spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, especially Metal-head. I am not sure if I mentioned Metal-head and my relationship as yet..
We met in high school, year 11 to be precise. I was introduced to him as my best friend's boyfriend. Over the 6 months that they were going out for I gradually became better friends with him, even perhaps to the point of having an interest in him. When he broke up with my good friend (lady xbox) I of course lent all my time to her and reminding her how wonderful she actually is. These days she doesn't count her relationship with Metal-head as an actual relationship. For starters they never actually kissed each other, but there was a mutual attraction between them during the time they spent together.
Through this "break-up" time I maintained my friendship with him, even if it was less time-consuming that it had been in the past. After about 4 or 5 months I was getting up the courage to rekindle our strong friendship and after consoling lady xbox, she'd mentioned that she wouldn't really care if a friend of hers went out with Metal-head, provided they ran it by her first.
No, I am against the "dating your friend's ex" thing, but my attraction to Metal-head was quite strong at that point. I finally plucked up the courage to ask him out so to say, only to find that my other excellent friend at the time was actually interested in him. Psycho-phys also happened to know that I had a "crush" on Metal-head and I gave her first attempt. I heard nothing over the course of a month and after much hesitating asked him to lunch with me. Part way through lunch I found out that he had, only just the day before, asked Psycho-phys out and of course she accepted. No doubt my heart was broken but it didn't dent my friendship with either of the two.
Over the course of year 12 I battled my growing feelings and loyalty to my friends and eventually moved North to attend univeristy as I had just missed out on a place for my course in my home town. It was somewhat sweet relief as part way through year 12 I happened to pull Metal-head aside and mention to him that I had to stop hanging out with him as I was very heavily interested in him. Actually, I do believe I used the words "madly" and "love" somewhere in there, which pains me to recall how silly a young hormone-driven mind can be.
Barely a month after me leaving, and having finally got over my first boyfriend (which lasted barely 2 months over the summer holidays between the end of year 12 and the start of uni) I find out from my Psycho-phys friend that she and Metal-head had broken up. It was heart-wrneching as I listened to her cry on the phone to me. I am not sure if it was only due to her crying and being so tormented or if it had something to do with the news that he had taken up with Bi-emo not two days after.
Bi-emo has a reputation for having "been around" although I was surprised to hear that she was a virgin before Metal-head. She has used to be my friend until about year 11 when her crazy aggressive and sexual ways impeded my ability to be politely tollerant of her.
So, Metal-head was dipping in the dirty. He was immediately tarred with a tainted brush.
That was all a few years ago now.
Dad had always teased me about Metal-head having a "crush" on me for some years. I always shrugged it off as I really didn't believe it. I had been living up North for some time and had my share of romances to solve any young person's desires. You only have to read my previous entries to see the profound effect they had on me. It was all talk from my dad, according to me, until this most recent visit South.
Aside from catching up every day, he would randomly call me up and insist I join him for dinner as he had accidentally defrosted too much meat. He stayed at my board-games night well beyond a normal hour ( until 4am or something) when he had to be up at 8:30 the next day. During this board-game night we'd (the group) gone for a 3 hour walk where the usual young-person shinanigans ensued. Some of this involved him wrestling me toward the garden so he could drop me in the bushes as they, amusingly, would swallow me whole. I believe at one point i latched onto a lamp-post and in his effort to drag me toward the garden, had gripped my around the middle quite tightly and I was lifted off the ground. We were a little too close to be considered just funny and the other person we were with thought so too, although she didn't mention anything until the morning.
The biggest thing, I think, was my last night in the South where there was huge joint birthday to which many of my friends were invited, Metal-head included. I had to leave early due to my pending flight in the morning, but once it was time for me to leave, most people were significantly under the influence of alcohol to perhaps loose some of their inhibitions. I went around the group to say fare-well to the people I had spent a fair amount of time talking with, and did the usual hug as is what is expected. I of course met up with Metal-head and hugged him too while saying goodbye. He, however, hung onto me a little too long for a usual friendly hug, and it felt somewhat more intimate than it should have. Actually, it felt very much intimate. I think it had something to do with his arm placement.
I am getting the strong impression that the tables have turned here. He used to be the occupied one while I fawned over him, but now I am accopuied and I am getting the impression that he is fawning over me somewhat. I could be wrong though.
Earlier in the night, though, I squeezed back into my position on the couch, after grabbing another drink of water (yes, hard core drinker, I am) and the gap between Encyclopaedia (male) and Metal-head had narrowed. So yes, I squeezed back in, fitting quite snuggly back into my spot. Metal-head however had decided it to be hilarious if he fell back onto me and squashed me further that I already was. It was very tight and yes, he body was lying against mine in quite close quarters. In order to save the ciurculation in my arm I extracted it and placed it the only place that was really available... around his torso. It took me a moment to realise that this was somewhat inapropriate for friends to do, but my arm was there long enough for all the people in the room to see and of course for Metal-head to become fully aware of it.
Perhaps this attraction thing is somewhat mutual. Or maybe it is to do with each of us unsure where the line between friendship and beyond it actually lies. I am advised by Hipster, Snuffleupagus' friend, to talk it out with Metal-head and find out exactly where each of us stands and how we feel. I am rather scared at the thought.
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