the smell of soil in every pore

Life is life, nothing more nothing less. Life is merely life. Yes, you get knocked down and we are told to get back up again, bounce like something made of rubber. We are made of flesh and blood, weighted down by bone... and i can tell you know we certainly aren't made to bounce.

we fall and if it wasn't for our pride we may stay there.

I fell up the stairs this morning and i was up before i knew it. gathered my belongings, laughed it off and kept walking. Pride lets us bounce right back up, feeling the bruises on our legs later in order to prevent bruises on our pride.

But what happens when our pride can't lift us off the ground when our very bones have given up? When we've been knocked so hard we have a crash landing site in the soil around us?

a very good person once told me:
'When someone pushes you down, your friends give you a hand and help you up. Your best friend tells you to stay down and says "she's got it".'

And yes, it is your best friend that wants to bounce in place of your pride, and let you rest a while with the smell of soil in every pore. In times of need when life pushes you so hard you feel broken in every bone of your existence, you can rely on your best friend to let your rest and recoup while they fight off the dangers to your pride.

So I say regardless of where life takes you, ensure it takes you past some good people who you know will bounce for you when you need it. They are the only ones that can save your pride when life gives you the worst knocks.

and then it rained...

So i was elated for most of this wonderful beginning of spring. Then it rained. and when i say it rained, it drenched and filled your skin, one your skin was full it fulled your muscle, and then progressed to your bone. But it hasn't stopped there. This deep penetrating rain that progressively erodes the happiness brought by the sun. Its not just my washing that's dripping; I feel like i'm melting right down to a tiny puddle on the floor.

I wonder why us women can be crazy sometimes. What is it that makes us freak out over the small little inconsequential things. What is it that makes us feel like every little spat or quarrel is the end of the world. Yes, men they have fight and get over it. Why do we want to hold it all inside and let it stew till we are driven crazy by it all. Why is it that I reacted so bad to my boy standing up for himself, refusing to take my well-meant advice? Perhaps he is doing exactly what I wanted him to do for himself the whole time: grow up and be a man, be capable of looking after himself and not rely on me to make sure he was still galloping off in the right direction.

I wonder if it just the weather getting to me. I wonder if it is this endless rain that has washed all my common sense and logic away along with my clothes and desire to appreciate the outdoors. But then again it could be just that I am a female and have my crazy moments just like every other woman out there. I just hope I wont disturb the waters too much while I drown in my illogical freak out.

The first day of Spring

(here is a post i made offline on the 1st of September)

Today is the first day of spring. Spring, the season of new life, flowers, warmth after a long, cold and usually bleak series of months that can leave a person rather worn down. Oh the hope and joy that the sight of the blue skies bring to a wanderer on the first day of spring, the new warmth wrapping their backs in a welcoming hug. Yes, the first day of spring is optimistic, and surely a sign of a good day.

Today has been a good day. A good breakfast of muesli-turned-porridge with the fresh bursts of dried fruit started me off right. My morning simulation lab went so well; free of frustration and full of good restorations topped by an inspiring discussion in my class after. My bus driver home was pleasant and didn’t forget my stop! Yes today lived up to its reputation of being the first day of spring, leaving me hopeful for the future when my winter was so dark.

My winter was full of exams failed, stress, almost break-up breaks, cars breaking down and radios giving up the ghost. Indeed my winter was not the most pleasant. If it wasn’t something going wrong with uni, especially in my sim labs, it was something at home. Loud sex and used condoms from my housemate, arguments from the other housemate, issues with my car and even issues closer to my heart.

But now that the winter clouds have parted, I see the future as bright, full of sun, breeze and warmth. My good deeds done in past seasons will perhaps shine brightly on me in this new one. As my good person told me yesterday during my darkest hour before the dawn, what goes around comes around. So despite what horrible actions I must have made some time ago to cause such a horrible winter, my concerted effort in recent times to be good and positive, leave me feeling hopeful for what wonderful times are yet to come.

Perhaps it is just the weather and a change of seasons, or perhaps my winter really has ended. Regardless, on this first day of spring I am hopeful, happy, and full of the sun’s welcoming warmth.

warm fuzzy slippers and a pair of running shoes.

Here I am, watching Sex and the City and talking to my person via skype. All the girls on the big screen are off having adventures and complaining about not having that one person that they love and can see themselves with for the rest of their lives: there are all these dramas and problems. If there wasn't, there wouldn't be a story! Ha, so I just undid my argument by over-thinking. But it is interesting non the less to notice that these women on the big screen desire what my person on the little screen has: a stable, loving, long term and perfect relationship. Yeah they have their ups and downs, but by all means its perfect.

Why can't I accept that mine pretty much is?

Its like I'm scared of being trapped. Trapped in something that's wonderful, but it means that I never get to try the variety around me.

My good and wise person tells me that perhaps its the want what you can get syndrome.

I believe that its because I need to get the adrenalin racing. Step over the line, push the boundaries, climb a mountain and scream at the top that you'd made it!!!! The fire, the energy, the excitement.... I miss it I guess.

But who's to say that I can't have my thrill and excitement and also my seemingly-perfect relationship? I desire the thrill of the new, the energy of flirting. I feel in a way that I can't have that. I can't flirt with the guys that are flirting with me, I'm in a relationship and I find that so morally wrong. But when you notice a guy attempting to flirt, it reminds me that I can't get that anymore.

Why does it bother me?

I'm only young and I don't want to waste these years of vitality. A friend of mine got married recently, another has a toddler. I feel it as a locking down for the rest of your life. I hesitate to be trapped in something and miss the world as it passes you by. Like being on a train travelling in a foreign country. Yes you are safe and you get somewhere, but I want to stop and experience the grass on my feet, the dappled shade of the trees. Smell the foreign pollen and see the fuzzy little bumblebees that you can only find in that place. The world is a big place, and I have some desire to experience the lot of it. I guess I'm afraid that I'm missing out on something.

I live in hope that I can discover a way of getting my adrenalin rush, my worldly experience, and not have to leave him. We have that rare spark that I appreciate so much. I guess it's why we've lasted so long. He's special, but I have this urge to experience what the world has to offer while I still can. Wear my running shoes bit still come home to my warm slippers.

home

the sky reached like some freakish extension of the ocean, a smooth reflection of the cross-hatch beneath. The meeting of the two beauties formed a blinding white explosion; a hazy white line that seemed to stretch to eternity. the crispness of the razor blade of the ocean cut through to me, and I realised that although I was heading "home" I was leaving "home" too.

Like the blinding sun in my eyes, and the jolt of the plane I began to think how strange it is to reach this point. I'd somehow ended up stuck between two worlds, in a town too small walking the same streets.... or so it seems. I didn't plan this, and here I am living in lieu of the life I want to lead. This isn't where I want to be, this isn't the life I want. Somehow I ended up here, stuck in chewing gum while I wait for the rain to ruin its glue.

I fly from one end of the country to the other. Tied at one end by my previous life, my friends, my family, and my desire to return because I want to stay, not because again its a fleeting opportunity to forget my predicament. Tied at the other by my desire to be great in the world, to make something of my chaotic life, my course, my new friends and my boy; my patched-up excuse for a "life", fragments of my desires jammed together higglety-pigglety, stacked up like the houses on the fast-approaching coast beneath my plane window. Ordered, yet chaotic.

Oh how I wish I could sweep it all together, throw it out and start again. That's what I looked forward to when I moved here to start uni; a new start, a chance to forget the mess I tried to hold together back in my home town. It really goes to show that you can't change things sometimes. Perhaps when I'm "rich and famous" I can make some ripples in the ocean below me, maybe I could be that boat carving its way through the vast expanse of the velvety ocean - a simple, clear, defined and purposeful presence.

meet the parents

so, the boy flew across the country with me to meet my father. and oh how he was nervous!!!!

contrary to common belief, my father is rather accepting, well he accepted my ex and what a selfish immature rde guy he turned out to be. I like the way my father approaches these kinds of things, he points out what he likes and ignores or omitts the things he doesn't like about them.

so he doesn't lie

but he accepts

after all, according to him the best way for me to find what i like is without the influence of others.... more on that later

so when i brought him to my dad's place and the two finally met, it was such a joy to see the two get along to well. In fact, it was rather well. It surprised me.

He fit in perfectly into my family, and even my friends all the way back in my home town. Its like he trully belonged. And of that I am so happy.



but on the same note, it was bizarre. the whole experience just didn't quite seem right. I mean, I sort of live two lives at the moment. One back in my home town (which i love and dream of going back to) and one where I am now...where I moved for study and have patched together a life around that. And then the weeks just gone, these two world's collided, and I was somewhat caught in the middle.

It makes me hesitate to think that maybe I am two different people in my two different worlds. Is it possible that you adapt yourself to your environment?

I find this a little disturbing where I desire people to be true to themselves, show their true colours to the world and be acepted for it. Perhaps I deep down inside am scared about what people think of me, and therefore adjust. And oh how I want to be the change I want to see in the world. Is it possible?

the unknown and extremes

While on my post-exam adventure into a new place with new people - an unkown. A new adventure. Anyway, while on this tour in the unknown i was faced with a chance to visit the raw needs of survival. Perhpas not so raw, but fairly close. While we could have given up trying to get out of the situation and packed it in to sleep in a huddle in the cold, we also chose to stretch the boundaries of the modern human's capabilities to dig ourselves out of the wilderness. We were stuck, clearly, and had to use our most extreme abilities to get un-stuck.

It was during this that I realised that deep down inside, everyone is scared, everyone fears, and everyone is capable of compassion.

Well, at least within the small group that happened to share this unique experience with me. I maintain this belief, it gets me from day to day. I live in hope that inside everyone, we are all compassionate and fragile. Its the only way it makes sense that we can all get along - and oh how I hope for the day when we do all get along, I belive it is close.

Enough of this waffle...

So, we're in the wilderness, battling our way through, and I got talking to one fo the guys out there helping us dig our way out. He's rather weathered in this way, having ventured out in the wilderness a few times himself, and he, like me, appreciates the simple beauty and natural elegance of the wild. He wasn't too scared, well seemed not to be. I was nervous for the toll this experience would have on the various people and equipment we had with us. We were discussing the situation and discovered that yes, that saying that the real personality of people come to the surface in extremem situations is supported in this extreme moment of survival.



Those that are quietly capable really shone through. They supported the rest of the group with their ability to stay calm and keep the group heading in the same direction. Those that boast being able to brave the tough showed a little stress on their faces as they tried to keep a lid on their rising angst.

so all up in this situation I mostly came to the realisation that you can't always tell waht kind of person someone really is, as the facade that they protray isn't necessarily the truth as to who they really are.

If I am permitted to ahve a little rant right here, I will say that I wish people would be mroe true to themselves. Its not like I'll judge you or dislike you, I'd rather know who you are, see your true self. and that way we can avoid the whole misconception, the dissapointments, the accidental offending phrases. The world might be ablet o get along a little better maybe, if we were all honest with each other?