him, heart, home?

He went out last night, the boyfriend I mean. Good on him, I say, let the stress build up through exams out with a night of drinking and clubbing. I intend on doing this after my last exam. He promised through my open window when I dropped him off in the centre of the clubs precinct that I could expect to have him stay at mine. Among the jokes of him waking me and the feeble protestations of exams being more important, we both unanimously agreed that this would be the best plan - as always. He's a regular at my house, 4 am deposits him on my bed on many ocassions. Drunk, tired and most of the time horny. I wake each time, but only enough to kiss him good night and ensure he has enough bed. Morning tells a different story.

Its good to wake to the attempted silence of him clumsily undressing and hesitating as he drunkenly plans his entrance to my bed. I feign sleep most of the time, keeps me in the limbo between worlds.

But there was no wake up stumble

No call of inability to open my door

No hesitant hug as I didn't wake to his belt hitting the floor

No sound

I wake in the comfortable morning to voices in the lounge. My housemate and her visiting dad. You would not believe the thoughts that went through my head. They (the trio of the boy and his mates from uni) were rather drunk when i dropped them off. They have mouths when drunk. I have hidden fears of bashings from bikeys or other drunk head-strong men. A fight over some chick. Arrested. Injury. While being a fear, you wouldn't think that something like that would happen to you, right? Its on the news, distant friends of distant people.

I roll over to admire my neatly empty bed. Perhaps those hidden fears should have been voiced earlier. Perhpas I should have gone to stop it. Perhaps there was something I could do. I instantly check my phone. Surely the afro or the tall would have voiced some concern. And they had

Afro tells me of boyfriend's injury on his attempt to get home.
The other two messages are from boyfriend. Didn't want to wake me. Three hour walk home. Finally collapsing on his welcoming bed.

I later find after calling him to check that he was still alive, that he didn't even bother to come by my house at all. He'd walked from his friend's place. I thought he'd promised to come visit me in the night, like always. I'd half expected it. I resist the urge to yell at him for causing this fear of abandonment. After all, he didn't want to wake me.

one single boat fighting the current

Its busy, its hard, I get tired. Its not the first time, but it surprises me every time. Exam week is hard. The tireless effort that you have to put in eventually wears you down. You give up, cease to care, begin to let it slide. One day it hit me. Well, today it hit me. I woke up and realised that I don't care. I can't remember when I began to not care. I'll pass, I always do, easily. That's not the point. I have begun to loose the desire to be the best, to do the best, to be the best that I can be. Its almost like I no longer care where I belong in my cohort (marks wise?) and potentially where I belong in the world.

I am begining to think that its not just about Uni. It could also be about life. For so long during high school I just studied. I had friends, but only true ones towards the later part of year 12. I didn't put in the effort to socialise and I didn't care, my climbing marks gave me the pleasure that i now seek out with my awesomes, my really good friends. But I haven't had much social contact since begining study week. I even now sort of hide from my housemates. I want to be alone. I seek the silence and avoid that social etiquette of having to be pleasant and sociable with the people around you. Its not that I don't want to talk, I don't want to have to talk to them. not right now, anyway.

In saying that, I'm not being all morbid and "emo". I actually really enjoy the way my really close friends recognise that I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" and am just not myself today. the beautiful thing about the people that love you is that they are there for you even when you have nothing to give them. My boyfriend lay on my bed holding me even though I couldn't say what was wrong, even though I couldn't give him the happy conversation i usually do. My person keeps her eye out. I know I can call her any time of day or night, drop by just because I need company. Its people like that I enjoy having in my life. But they are hard to find and so precious to me. I believe that it is the people in your life that make it all worthwhile.