warm fuzzy slippers and a pair of running shoes.

Here I am, watching Sex and the City and talking to my person via skype. All the girls on the big screen are off having adventures and complaining about not having that one person that they love and can see themselves with for the rest of their lives: there are all these dramas and problems. If there wasn't, there wouldn't be a story! Ha, so I just undid my argument by over-thinking. But it is interesting non the less to notice that these women on the big screen desire what my person on the little screen has: a stable, loving, long term and perfect relationship. Yeah they have their ups and downs, but by all means its perfect.

Why can't I accept that mine pretty much is?

Its like I'm scared of being trapped. Trapped in something that's wonderful, but it means that I never get to try the variety around me.

My good and wise person tells me that perhaps its the want what you can get syndrome.

I believe that its because I need to get the adrenalin racing. Step over the line, push the boundaries, climb a mountain and scream at the top that you'd made it!!!! The fire, the energy, the excitement.... I miss it I guess.

But who's to say that I can't have my thrill and excitement and also my seemingly-perfect relationship? I desire the thrill of the new, the energy of flirting. I feel in a way that I can't have that. I can't flirt with the guys that are flirting with me, I'm in a relationship and I find that so morally wrong. But when you notice a guy attempting to flirt, it reminds me that I can't get that anymore.

Why does it bother me?

I'm only young and I don't want to waste these years of vitality. A friend of mine got married recently, another has a toddler. I feel it as a locking down for the rest of your life. I hesitate to be trapped in something and miss the world as it passes you by. Like being on a train travelling in a foreign country. Yes you are safe and you get somewhere, but I want to stop and experience the grass on my feet, the dappled shade of the trees. Smell the foreign pollen and see the fuzzy little bumblebees that you can only find in that place. The world is a big place, and I have some desire to experience the lot of it. I guess I'm afraid that I'm missing out on something.

I live in hope that I can discover a way of getting my adrenalin rush, my worldly experience, and not have to leave him. We have that rare spark that I appreciate so much. I guess it's why we've lasted so long. He's special, but I have this urge to experience what the world has to offer while I still can. Wear my running shoes bit still come home to my warm slippers.

home

the sky reached like some freakish extension of the ocean, a smooth reflection of the cross-hatch beneath. The meeting of the two beauties formed a blinding white explosion; a hazy white line that seemed to stretch to eternity. the crispness of the razor blade of the ocean cut through to me, and I realised that although I was heading "home" I was leaving "home" too.

Like the blinding sun in my eyes, and the jolt of the plane I began to think how strange it is to reach this point. I'd somehow ended up stuck between two worlds, in a town too small walking the same streets.... or so it seems. I didn't plan this, and here I am living in lieu of the life I want to lead. This isn't where I want to be, this isn't the life I want. Somehow I ended up here, stuck in chewing gum while I wait for the rain to ruin its glue.

I fly from one end of the country to the other. Tied at one end by my previous life, my friends, my family, and my desire to return because I want to stay, not because again its a fleeting opportunity to forget my predicament. Tied at the other by my desire to be great in the world, to make something of my chaotic life, my course, my new friends and my boy; my patched-up excuse for a "life", fragments of my desires jammed together higglety-pigglety, stacked up like the houses on the fast-approaching coast beneath my plane window. Ordered, yet chaotic.

Oh how I wish I could sweep it all together, throw it out and start again. That's what I looked forward to when I moved here to start uni; a new start, a chance to forget the mess I tried to hold together back in my home town. It really goes to show that you can't change things sometimes. Perhaps when I'm "rich and famous" I can make some ripples in the ocean below me, maybe I could be that boat carving its way through the vast expanse of the velvety ocean - a simple, clear, defined and purposeful presence.

meet the parents

so, the boy flew across the country with me to meet my father. and oh how he was nervous!!!!

contrary to common belief, my father is rather accepting, well he accepted my ex and what a selfish immature rde guy he turned out to be. I like the way my father approaches these kinds of things, he points out what he likes and ignores or omitts the things he doesn't like about them.

so he doesn't lie

but he accepts

after all, according to him the best way for me to find what i like is without the influence of others.... more on that later

so when i brought him to my dad's place and the two finally met, it was such a joy to see the two get along to well. In fact, it was rather well. It surprised me.

He fit in perfectly into my family, and even my friends all the way back in my home town. Its like he trully belonged. And of that I am so happy.



but on the same note, it was bizarre. the whole experience just didn't quite seem right. I mean, I sort of live two lives at the moment. One back in my home town (which i love and dream of going back to) and one where I am now...where I moved for study and have patched together a life around that. And then the weeks just gone, these two world's collided, and I was somewhat caught in the middle.

It makes me hesitate to think that maybe I am two different people in my two different worlds. Is it possible that you adapt yourself to your environment?

I find this a little disturbing where I desire people to be true to themselves, show their true colours to the world and be acepted for it. Perhaps I deep down inside am scared about what people think of me, and therefore adjust. And oh how I want to be the change I want to see in the world. Is it possible?

the unknown and extremes

While on my post-exam adventure into a new place with new people - an unkown. A new adventure. Anyway, while on this tour in the unknown i was faced with a chance to visit the raw needs of survival. Perhpas not so raw, but fairly close. While we could have given up trying to get out of the situation and packed it in to sleep in a huddle in the cold, we also chose to stretch the boundaries of the modern human's capabilities to dig ourselves out of the wilderness. We were stuck, clearly, and had to use our most extreme abilities to get un-stuck.

It was during this that I realised that deep down inside, everyone is scared, everyone fears, and everyone is capable of compassion.

Well, at least within the small group that happened to share this unique experience with me. I maintain this belief, it gets me from day to day. I live in hope that inside everyone, we are all compassionate and fragile. Its the only way it makes sense that we can all get along - and oh how I hope for the day when we do all get along, I belive it is close.

Enough of this waffle...

So, we're in the wilderness, battling our way through, and I got talking to one fo the guys out there helping us dig our way out. He's rather weathered in this way, having ventured out in the wilderness a few times himself, and he, like me, appreciates the simple beauty and natural elegance of the wild. He wasn't too scared, well seemed not to be. I was nervous for the toll this experience would have on the various people and equipment we had with us. We were discussing the situation and discovered that yes, that saying that the real personality of people come to the surface in extremem situations is supported in this extreme moment of survival.



Those that are quietly capable really shone through. They supported the rest of the group with their ability to stay calm and keep the group heading in the same direction. Those that boast being able to brave the tough showed a little stress on their faces as they tried to keep a lid on their rising angst.

so all up in this situation I mostly came to the realisation that you can't always tell waht kind of person someone really is, as the facade that they protray isn't necessarily the truth as to who they really are.

If I am permitted to ahve a little rant right here, I will say that I wish people would be mroe true to themselves. Its not like I'll judge you or dislike you, I'd rather know who you are, see your true self. and that way we can avoid the whole misconception, the dissapointments, the accidental offending phrases. The world might be ablet o get along a little better maybe, if we were all honest with each other?