Here I am, watching Sex and the City and talking to my person via skype. All the girls on the big screen are off having adventures and complaining about not having that one person that they love and can see themselves with for the rest of their lives: there are all these dramas and problems. If there wasn't, there wouldn't be a story! Ha, so I just undid my argument by over-thinking. But it is interesting non the less to notice that these women on the big screen desire what my person on the little screen has: a stable, loving, long term and perfect relationship. Yeah they have their ups and downs, but by all means its perfect.
Why can't I accept that mine pretty much is?
Its like I'm scared of being trapped. Trapped in something that's wonderful, but it means that I never get to try the variety around me.
My good and wise person tells me that perhaps its the want what you can get syndrome.
I believe that its because I need to get the adrenalin racing. Step over the line, push the boundaries, climb a mountain and scream at the top that you'd made it!!!! The fire, the energy, the excitement.... I miss it I guess.
But who's to say that I can't have my thrill and excitement and also my seemingly-perfect relationship? I desire the thrill of the new, the energy of flirting. I feel in a way that I can't have that. I can't flirt with the guys that are flirting with me, I'm in a relationship and I find that so morally wrong. But when you notice a guy attempting to flirt, it reminds me that I can't get that anymore.
Why does it bother me?
I'm only young and I don't want to waste these years of vitality. A friend of mine got married recently, another has a toddler. I feel it as a locking down for the rest of your life. I hesitate to be trapped in something and miss the world as it passes you by. Like being on a train travelling in a foreign country. Yes you are safe and you get somewhere, but I want to stop and experience the grass on my feet, the dappled shade of the trees. Smell the foreign pollen and see the fuzzy little bumblebees that you can only find in that place. The world is a big place, and I have some desire to experience the lot of it. I guess I'm afraid that I'm missing out on something.
I live in hope that I can discover a way of getting my adrenalin rush, my worldly experience, and not have to leave him. We have that rare spark that I appreciate so much. I guess it's why we've lasted so long. He's special, but I have this urge to experience what the world has to offer while I still can. Wear my running shoes bit still come home to my warm slippers.
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