home

the sky reached like some freakish extension of the ocean, a smooth reflection of the cross-hatch beneath. The meeting of the two beauties formed a blinding white explosion; a hazy white line that seemed to stretch to eternity. the crispness of the razor blade of the ocean cut through to me, and I realised that although I was heading "home" I was leaving "home" too.

Like the blinding sun in my eyes, and the jolt of the plane I began to think how strange it is to reach this point. I'd somehow ended up stuck between two worlds, in a town too small walking the same streets.... or so it seems. I didn't plan this, and here I am living in lieu of the life I want to lead. This isn't where I want to be, this isn't the life I want. Somehow I ended up here, stuck in chewing gum while I wait for the rain to ruin its glue.

I fly from one end of the country to the other. Tied at one end by my previous life, my friends, my family, and my desire to return because I want to stay, not because again its a fleeting opportunity to forget my predicament. Tied at the other by my desire to be great in the world, to make something of my chaotic life, my course, my new friends and my boy; my patched-up excuse for a "life", fragments of my desires jammed together higglety-pigglety, stacked up like the houses on the fast-approaching coast beneath my plane window. Ordered, yet chaotic.

Oh how I wish I could sweep it all together, throw it out and start again. That's what I looked forward to when I moved here to start uni; a new start, a chance to forget the mess I tried to hold together back in my home town. It really goes to show that you can't change things sometimes. Perhaps when I'm "rich and famous" I can make some ripples in the ocean below me, maybe I could be that boat carving its way through the vast expanse of the velvety ocean - a simple, clear, defined and purposeful presence.