He went out last night, the boyfriend I mean. Good on him, I say, let the stress build up through exams out with a night of drinking and clubbing. I intend on doing this after my last exam. He promised through my open window when I dropped him off in the centre of the clubs precinct that I could expect to have him stay at mine. Among the jokes of him waking me and the feeble protestations of exams being more important, we both unanimously agreed that this would be the best plan - as always. He's a regular at my house, 4 am deposits him on my bed on many ocassions. Drunk, tired and most of the time horny. I wake each time, but only enough to kiss him good night and ensure he has enough bed. Morning tells a different story.
Its good to wake to the attempted silence of him clumsily undressing and hesitating as he drunkenly plans his entrance to my bed. I feign sleep most of the time, keeps me in the limbo between worlds.
But there was no wake up stumble
No call of inability to open my door
No hesitant hug as I didn't wake to his belt hitting the floor
No sound
I wake in the comfortable morning to voices in the lounge. My housemate and her visiting dad. You would not believe the thoughts that went through my head. They (the trio of the boy and his mates from uni) were rather drunk when i dropped them off. They have mouths when drunk. I have hidden fears of bashings from bikeys or other drunk head-strong men. A fight over some chick. Arrested. Injury. While being a fear, you wouldn't think that something like that would happen to you, right? Its on the news, distant friends of distant people.
I roll over to admire my neatly empty bed. Perhaps those hidden fears should have been voiced earlier. Perhpas I should have gone to stop it. Perhaps there was something I could do. I instantly check my phone. Surely the afro or the tall would have voiced some concern. And they had
Afro tells me of boyfriend's injury on his attempt to get home.
The other two messages are from boyfriend. Didn't want to wake me. Three hour walk home. Finally collapsing on his welcoming bed.
I later find after calling him to check that he was still alive, that he didn't even bother to come by my house at all. He'd walked from his friend's place. I thought he'd promised to come visit me in the night, like always. I'd half expected it. I resist the urge to yell at him for causing this fear of abandonment. After all, he didn't want to wake me.
2 comments:
hunn that is not abandonment, it is trying to be thoughtful- thinking perhaps you do have an exam and maybe didnt want to wake up the rest of the house with housemate on couch and housemate's dad maybe?
but yes, that would certainly have been a distraught wake up =( considering what can happen on nights out. =(. stress not, he is alive and well and still going to be popping over all the time. a toothbrush does live there already afterall. settle ur sweet heart down, him and home may be at one place sooner than you think. its on the way there would you not agree?
i think its a struggle between broken expectations and the continued feeling of being a single boat against the rising tide. Promises mean a lot to me. he means a lot to me. maybe its anger at him for letting me feel worried. the anger after the relief. like the tense moment before a storm that suddenly calms, then the rage of it.
But yes, it is great to know that he is safe and sound and not lying somewhere mugged and stripped of his values. He lives, he breathes, he at least texted me.
I just expected to find him lying there next to me, breathing, this morning.
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