Its busy, its hard, I get tired. Its not the first time, but it surprises me every time. Exam week is hard. The tireless effort that you have to put in eventually wears you down. You give up, cease to care, begin to let it slide. One day it hit me. Well, today it hit me. I woke up and realised that I don't care. I can't remember when I began to not care. I'll pass, I always do, easily. That's not the point. I have begun to loose the desire to be the best, to do the best, to be the best that I can be. Its almost like I no longer care where I belong in my cohort (marks wise?) and potentially where I belong in the world.
I am begining to think that its not just about Uni. It could also be about life. For so long during high school I just studied. I had friends, but only true ones towards the later part of year 12. I didn't put in the effort to socialise and I didn't care, my climbing marks gave me the pleasure that i now seek out with my awesomes, my really good friends. But I haven't had much social contact since begining study week. I even now sort of hide from my housemates. I want to be alone. I seek the silence and avoid that social etiquette of having to be pleasant and sociable with the people around you. Its not that I don't want to talk, I don't want to have to talk to them. not right now, anyway.
In saying that, I'm not being all morbid and "emo". I actually really enjoy the way my really close friends recognise that I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" and am just not myself today. the beautiful thing about the people that love you is that they are there for you even when you have nothing to give them. My boyfriend lay on my bed holding me even though I couldn't say what was wrong, even though I couldn't give him the happy conversation i usually do. My person keeps her eye out. I know I can call her any time of day or night, drop by just because I need company. Its people like that I enjoy having in my life. But they are hard to find and so precious to me. I believe that it is the people in your life that make it all worthwhile.
1 comment:
exams are draining in that way. but values change and if its not required and apart of your needs, it just isnt worth making ur own life hell for it. I find myslf growing up striving for the upper end of academics and i dont think my values shift easily. one day it will come where it wont be such a requirement for myself to do the best i can in what i can. but its also an excuse to not socialise. i just like to spend times of quality with the ppl i appreciate. i really really do appreciate the good ppl i have surrounded myself with. im glad you have found a person because i find that it makes life so much more enjoyable and when times are tough someone can help you pull through.
I appreciate those that are there when you need them. Regardless of when. I do not take that for granted. Good people are rare. like gems. hold on to them.
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