The magpie or the currawong

Busy busy busy. Life took a slightly downward turn there for a while. I guess it was my own doing. I put myself into a house that was not a home and sought refuge with a person who couldn't hold me the way I needed to be held. I broke under pressure and have suffered severely from it. The big bad wolf is after me still, sensing a way to take advantage. I fear, I live in fear, I fear the dark, the shadows and the boogie-man behind every corner... lurking just out of sight.

I ran to a place I feel would shelter me. And shelter me it did. Fed, watered, tissues passed. Care in every visible meaning of the word. Comfort does not come so easily especially when the demonds are in your own mind and eating you alive. Out of habit I head home like a Swallow. I hide with my head in the sand. I am the Emu who runs and the Ostrich who hides.

I fear that I hide in loudness and brash behaviour. Here in the land of my birth I have spread my social wings and tried to reap the comfort from social support. I fear I am attention-craving, loud and brash like the Magpie. I can only hope that I am as graceful, elegant and respected as the Currawong. The sound of it's song so much sweeter than that of the crying Magpie; the broken, scared and hurt Magpie.

Funny how I just thought of this:

The evil and horrible things in the world really do cast a shadow on the beauty around us. A few bad experiences with people and you begin to despise the whole of the human race. Well I do at least. Or at least thats how I am in this mind-frame right now.

rain and fire

it rained today. It poured down as I left my bed and began to drill away all the worries. It washed and fell and cleansed like I so dearly wanted. A few days ago I did what needed to be done. I broke up with the boy, we broke up, mutual. I should have got it all out then, but I didn't. These past few days a have been like the Great Niagra falls.

Countless glittering diamonds

Precious drops of pain

And now after the rain I am relieved, I am cleansed, I am free of the burden of one who doesn't love you back.

The rain came. The rain after the fire. The fire of my pain and anger.

Cleansed

sour

it was so sweet, warm and beautiful. is it possibly a case of out of sight out of heart? Perhaps it was a marathon text session with a wrong number last night, but for some reason i'm craving the taste of his presence in my life far less than i thought was reasonable. Perhaps the honeymoon is truly over... my mind wanders from him, not quite to another but he has ceased his vigil in my mind.

can i pray for passion to be re-ignited before my fire truly dwindles beyond a change of re-kindling. I'm worried.

order and chaos

currently its a water-whirl of emotion and infectivity. If it wasn't enough that this semester is going ahead like a freight train with me running my hardest behind to keep up, I hit a road block. They still don't know what it is but somewhere some virus is trying to attack me in the best way it can find.

Exhausted I'm facing the last weeks of semester and feelings are overwhelming me. The times to come that I'm avoiding are looming ahead like a tsunami and the wind in my face and breathing down my throat is laden with the thickness of water. I'm drowning. Perhaps because I have no energy to fight the water's pull below me. To top it off in my lashings against the current i lashed out at the girl who shares this house. Typical for a woman of her mold its world war three in her eyes while all i'm trying to do is live day by day and keep my head above water with what little energy i have left.

In my carefully planned out ordered world it has turned out to be chaotic anyway. I just hope I can find a buoy to cling onto and relieve the never-ending fight. My boy does offer some comfort though; my buoy with the clattering bell.

the smell of soil in every pore

Life is life, nothing more nothing less. Life is merely life. Yes, you get knocked down and we are told to get back up again, bounce like something made of rubber. We are made of flesh and blood, weighted down by bone... and i can tell you know we certainly aren't made to bounce.

we fall and if it wasn't for our pride we may stay there.

I fell up the stairs this morning and i was up before i knew it. gathered my belongings, laughed it off and kept walking. Pride lets us bounce right back up, feeling the bruises on our legs later in order to prevent bruises on our pride.

But what happens when our pride can't lift us off the ground when our very bones have given up? When we've been knocked so hard we have a crash landing site in the soil around us?

a very good person once told me:
'When someone pushes you down, your friends give you a hand and help you up. Your best friend tells you to stay down and says "she's got it".'

And yes, it is your best friend that wants to bounce in place of your pride, and let you rest a while with the smell of soil in every pore. In times of need when life pushes you so hard you feel broken in every bone of your existence, you can rely on your best friend to let your rest and recoup while they fight off the dangers to your pride.

So I say regardless of where life takes you, ensure it takes you past some good people who you know will bounce for you when you need it. They are the only ones that can save your pride when life gives you the worst knocks.

and then it rained...

So i was elated for most of this wonderful beginning of spring. Then it rained. and when i say it rained, it drenched and filled your skin, one your skin was full it fulled your muscle, and then progressed to your bone. But it hasn't stopped there. This deep penetrating rain that progressively erodes the happiness brought by the sun. Its not just my washing that's dripping; I feel like i'm melting right down to a tiny puddle on the floor.

I wonder why us women can be crazy sometimes. What is it that makes us freak out over the small little inconsequential things. What is it that makes us feel like every little spat or quarrel is the end of the world. Yes, men they have fight and get over it. Why do we want to hold it all inside and let it stew till we are driven crazy by it all. Why is it that I reacted so bad to my boy standing up for himself, refusing to take my well-meant advice? Perhaps he is doing exactly what I wanted him to do for himself the whole time: grow up and be a man, be capable of looking after himself and not rely on me to make sure he was still galloping off in the right direction.

I wonder if it just the weather getting to me. I wonder if it is this endless rain that has washed all my common sense and logic away along with my clothes and desire to appreciate the outdoors. But then again it could be just that I am a female and have my crazy moments just like every other woman out there. I just hope I wont disturb the waters too much while I drown in my illogical freak out.

The first day of Spring

(here is a post i made offline on the 1st of September)

Today is the first day of spring. Spring, the season of new life, flowers, warmth after a long, cold and usually bleak series of months that can leave a person rather worn down. Oh the hope and joy that the sight of the blue skies bring to a wanderer on the first day of spring, the new warmth wrapping their backs in a welcoming hug. Yes, the first day of spring is optimistic, and surely a sign of a good day.

Today has been a good day. A good breakfast of muesli-turned-porridge with the fresh bursts of dried fruit started me off right. My morning simulation lab went so well; free of frustration and full of good restorations topped by an inspiring discussion in my class after. My bus driver home was pleasant and didn’t forget my stop! Yes today lived up to its reputation of being the first day of spring, leaving me hopeful for the future when my winter was so dark.

My winter was full of exams failed, stress, almost break-up breaks, cars breaking down and radios giving up the ghost. Indeed my winter was not the most pleasant. If it wasn’t something going wrong with uni, especially in my sim labs, it was something at home. Loud sex and used condoms from my housemate, arguments from the other housemate, issues with my car and even issues closer to my heart.

But now that the winter clouds have parted, I see the future as bright, full of sun, breeze and warmth. My good deeds done in past seasons will perhaps shine brightly on me in this new one. As my good person told me yesterday during my darkest hour before the dawn, what goes around comes around. So despite what horrible actions I must have made some time ago to cause such a horrible winter, my concerted effort in recent times to be good and positive, leave me feeling hopeful for what wonderful times are yet to come.

Perhaps it is just the weather and a change of seasons, or perhaps my winter really has ended. Regardless, on this first day of spring I am hopeful, happy, and full of the sun’s welcoming warmth.

warm fuzzy slippers and a pair of running shoes.

Here I am, watching Sex and the City and talking to my person via skype. All the girls on the big screen are off having adventures and complaining about not having that one person that they love and can see themselves with for the rest of their lives: there are all these dramas and problems. If there wasn't, there wouldn't be a story! Ha, so I just undid my argument by over-thinking. But it is interesting non the less to notice that these women on the big screen desire what my person on the little screen has: a stable, loving, long term and perfect relationship. Yeah they have their ups and downs, but by all means its perfect.

Why can't I accept that mine pretty much is?

Its like I'm scared of being trapped. Trapped in something that's wonderful, but it means that I never get to try the variety around me.

My good and wise person tells me that perhaps its the want what you can get syndrome.

I believe that its because I need to get the adrenalin racing. Step over the line, push the boundaries, climb a mountain and scream at the top that you'd made it!!!! The fire, the energy, the excitement.... I miss it I guess.

But who's to say that I can't have my thrill and excitement and also my seemingly-perfect relationship? I desire the thrill of the new, the energy of flirting. I feel in a way that I can't have that. I can't flirt with the guys that are flirting with me, I'm in a relationship and I find that so morally wrong. But when you notice a guy attempting to flirt, it reminds me that I can't get that anymore.

Why does it bother me?

I'm only young and I don't want to waste these years of vitality. A friend of mine got married recently, another has a toddler. I feel it as a locking down for the rest of your life. I hesitate to be trapped in something and miss the world as it passes you by. Like being on a train travelling in a foreign country. Yes you are safe and you get somewhere, but I want to stop and experience the grass on my feet, the dappled shade of the trees. Smell the foreign pollen and see the fuzzy little bumblebees that you can only find in that place. The world is a big place, and I have some desire to experience the lot of it. I guess I'm afraid that I'm missing out on something.

I live in hope that I can discover a way of getting my adrenalin rush, my worldly experience, and not have to leave him. We have that rare spark that I appreciate so much. I guess it's why we've lasted so long. He's special, but I have this urge to experience what the world has to offer while I still can. Wear my running shoes bit still come home to my warm slippers.

home

the sky reached like some freakish extension of the ocean, a smooth reflection of the cross-hatch beneath. The meeting of the two beauties formed a blinding white explosion; a hazy white line that seemed to stretch to eternity. the crispness of the razor blade of the ocean cut through to me, and I realised that although I was heading "home" I was leaving "home" too.

Like the blinding sun in my eyes, and the jolt of the plane I began to think how strange it is to reach this point. I'd somehow ended up stuck between two worlds, in a town too small walking the same streets.... or so it seems. I didn't plan this, and here I am living in lieu of the life I want to lead. This isn't where I want to be, this isn't the life I want. Somehow I ended up here, stuck in chewing gum while I wait for the rain to ruin its glue.

I fly from one end of the country to the other. Tied at one end by my previous life, my friends, my family, and my desire to return because I want to stay, not because again its a fleeting opportunity to forget my predicament. Tied at the other by my desire to be great in the world, to make something of my chaotic life, my course, my new friends and my boy; my patched-up excuse for a "life", fragments of my desires jammed together higglety-pigglety, stacked up like the houses on the fast-approaching coast beneath my plane window. Ordered, yet chaotic.

Oh how I wish I could sweep it all together, throw it out and start again. That's what I looked forward to when I moved here to start uni; a new start, a chance to forget the mess I tried to hold together back in my home town. It really goes to show that you can't change things sometimes. Perhaps when I'm "rich and famous" I can make some ripples in the ocean below me, maybe I could be that boat carving its way through the vast expanse of the velvety ocean - a simple, clear, defined and purposeful presence.

meet the parents

so, the boy flew across the country with me to meet my father. and oh how he was nervous!!!!

contrary to common belief, my father is rather accepting, well he accepted my ex and what a selfish immature rde guy he turned out to be. I like the way my father approaches these kinds of things, he points out what he likes and ignores or omitts the things he doesn't like about them.

so he doesn't lie

but he accepts

after all, according to him the best way for me to find what i like is without the influence of others.... more on that later

so when i brought him to my dad's place and the two finally met, it was such a joy to see the two get along to well. In fact, it was rather well. It surprised me.

He fit in perfectly into my family, and even my friends all the way back in my home town. Its like he trully belonged. And of that I am so happy.



but on the same note, it was bizarre. the whole experience just didn't quite seem right. I mean, I sort of live two lives at the moment. One back in my home town (which i love and dream of going back to) and one where I am now...where I moved for study and have patched together a life around that. And then the weeks just gone, these two world's collided, and I was somewhat caught in the middle.

It makes me hesitate to think that maybe I am two different people in my two different worlds. Is it possible that you adapt yourself to your environment?

I find this a little disturbing where I desire people to be true to themselves, show their true colours to the world and be acepted for it. Perhaps I deep down inside am scared about what people think of me, and therefore adjust. And oh how I want to be the change I want to see in the world. Is it possible?

the unknown and extremes

While on my post-exam adventure into a new place with new people - an unkown. A new adventure. Anyway, while on this tour in the unknown i was faced with a chance to visit the raw needs of survival. Perhpas not so raw, but fairly close. While we could have given up trying to get out of the situation and packed it in to sleep in a huddle in the cold, we also chose to stretch the boundaries of the modern human's capabilities to dig ourselves out of the wilderness. We were stuck, clearly, and had to use our most extreme abilities to get un-stuck.

It was during this that I realised that deep down inside, everyone is scared, everyone fears, and everyone is capable of compassion.

Well, at least within the small group that happened to share this unique experience with me. I maintain this belief, it gets me from day to day. I live in hope that inside everyone, we are all compassionate and fragile. Its the only way it makes sense that we can all get along - and oh how I hope for the day when we do all get along, I belive it is close.

Enough of this waffle...

So, we're in the wilderness, battling our way through, and I got talking to one fo the guys out there helping us dig our way out. He's rather weathered in this way, having ventured out in the wilderness a few times himself, and he, like me, appreciates the simple beauty and natural elegance of the wild. He wasn't too scared, well seemed not to be. I was nervous for the toll this experience would have on the various people and equipment we had with us. We were discussing the situation and discovered that yes, that saying that the real personality of people come to the surface in extremem situations is supported in this extreme moment of survival.



Those that are quietly capable really shone through. They supported the rest of the group with their ability to stay calm and keep the group heading in the same direction. Those that boast being able to brave the tough showed a little stress on their faces as they tried to keep a lid on their rising angst.

so all up in this situation I mostly came to the realisation that you can't always tell waht kind of person someone really is, as the facade that they protray isn't necessarily the truth as to who they really are.

If I am permitted to ahve a little rant right here, I will say that I wish people would be mroe true to themselves. Its not like I'll judge you or dislike you, I'd rather know who you are, see your true self. and that way we can avoid the whole misconception, the dissapointments, the accidental offending phrases. The world might be ablet o get along a little better maybe, if we were all honest with each other?

an uphill battle

someone once told me that the harder the road that you walk, the greater the rewards. But how do we know which road to take? How do we know for sure that we are doing what is right, what we are destined to do?



"flickr.com"


"what had that flower to do with being white,
The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?
What brought the kindred spider to that height,
Then steered the white moth thither in the night?
What but design of darkness to appall?-
If design govern a thing so small."
-Robert Frost

Are we travelling on a road that we didn't choose but one that was chosen for us? I wonder if we have a map laid out for us and we are just living it. The world doesn't seem quite so fair if that's the case. Why can't we choose to be a doctor or a lawyer or a check-out chick. Did we choose to be cast to the side of the road without a home, without family, friends.... without a life? I wonder if some where in the beginings of our existence we signed a contract as to our life's pathway. A contrary argument is that some people strive harder, work harder, struggle up hill to get what they want. The harder the battle, the greater the rewards.

But not everyone can be a doctor. For starters, not eveyone has the ability mentally to study, understand concepts and things. Not everyone had a photographic memory, or ability with numbers, just to get through the course, let alone get grades good enough to land a fantastic internship, for example. The same goes for a lawyer. Not everyone is talented with words or have the confidence to argue something infront of men draped in black gowns perched like crows on wooden balconeys.

True, some things you can learn, some things can be taught and tutors exist. But we are given varying abilities and interests, and some jobs just aren't suited to some people.

I wonder what decides that in life. I wonder what decides who gets the brains, who gets the happy family life, and who gets the random opportunities that turn out to be a great success. Like poker, we are handed a set of cards, seemingly randomly. But i ask, is it all that random?

I belive that everyone has to trudge an uphill battle. But all battles aren't the same. Some may be born into poverty, but they find riches in things that those born into more monetary wealth don't. its a different battle. Some struggle to pass school and have a fine life elsewhere, while others gifted at the acadeamic struggle with finding decent people who care about them. Some have both, but I am sure that they struggle elsewhere.

I ask myself if that saying, the harder the battle, the greater the reward, is true. Are we actually meant to battle life to get great rewards? Or is the difficulty of the path a clear indication that we are not meant to be travelling along it? This brings me back to my first pattern of thought. How do we know that we are doing what we are meant to, what we are destined to. IS there a destiny that we are set out to follow? Do we have a choice and can we make the wrong choice?


one of my images

with a clear mind

www.bbc.co.uk

The let-down reflex after my exam today calls. That familiar feeling of relief. It calls.

"Those woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
-Robert Frost

Only halfway through my exams I crave the holidays. I have come from not caring to stressing and realising that I do still care despite what I believed, to now lookign forward and wishing it all to come fast, so that it can be behind me as soon as possible. Then I can relax in this beautiful wood that offers peace and calmness.

But I'm only half way through. I have a while to go yet. The tough yards are comming up. And then, only then, can I let myself travel a while in the dark empty woods, let my mind relax and uncoil.

a little confession: I'm silently freaking out

Here's a little confession to show that I am, i exist, i breathe and live and feel.

Somewhere along the line of things I got distracted. Was it emotions? dramas? general procrastination? Reguardless, here I sit on the cusp of something, about to topple. I'm silently freaking out. My lax approach to this year study wise has meant that barely hours before my exam, I am suffering from an exhiliration. An anxiousness. I am nervous now when five minutes ago i ceased to care.

I think I'm back. And I'm going to kick arse.

Only if I get my stuff done in time... and remember it.

him, heart, home?

He went out last night, the boyfriend I mean. Good on him, I say, let the stress build up through exams out with a night of drinking and clubbing. I intend on doing this after my last exam. He promised through my open window when I dropped him off in the centre of the clubs precinct that I could expect to have him stay at mine. Among the jokes of him waking me and the feeble protestations of exams being more important, we both unanimously agreed that this would be the best plan - as always. He's a regular at my house, 4 am deposits him on my bed on many ocassions. Drunk, tired and most of the time horny. I wake each time, but only enough to kiss him good night and ensure he has enough bed. Morning tells a different story.

Its good to wake to the attempted silence of him clumsily undressing and hesitating as he drunkenly plans his entrance to my bed. I feign sleep most of the time, keeps me in the limbo between worlds.

But there was no wake up stumble

No call of inability to open my door

No hesitant hug as I didn't wake to his belt hitting the floor

No sound

I wake in the comfortable morning to voices in the lounge. My housemate and her visiting dad. You would not believe the thoughts that went through my head. They (the trio of the boy and his mates from uni) were rather drunk when i dropped them off. They have mouths when drunk. I have hidden fears of bashings from bikeys or other drunk head-strong men. A fight over some chick. Arrested. Injury. While being a fear, you wouldn't think that something like that would happen to you, right? Its on the news, distant friends of distant people.

I roll over to admire my neatly empty bed. Perhaps those hidden fears should have been voiced earlier. Perhpas I should have gone to stop it. Perhaps there was something I could do. I instantly check my phone. Surely the afro or the tall would have voiced some concern. And they had

Afro tells me of boyfriend's injury on his attempt to get home.
The other two messages are from boyfriend. Didn't want to wake me. Three hour walk home. Finally collapsing on his welcoming bed.

I later find after calling him to check that he was still alive, that he didn't even bother to come by my house at all. He'd walked from his friend's place. I thought he'd promised to come visit me in the night, like always. I'd half expected it. I resist the urge to yell at him for causing this fear of abandonment. After all, he didn't want to wake me.

a night of laughs and stars

It is notable in my first few posts that i consider people and friends part of the reason I enjoy life. As I have been feeling a little less motivated today, it is good to note that a few hours spent with my person and my housemate-turned-great friend, in the spa under the stars has considerably picked up my spirits.

with home-made cola and a bottle of southern we talked for hours without realising. Its great to just chill out with great friends and forget the issues of the day, or talk and resolve them. whatever comes out. As my person said we don't plan our DnM sessions, and its true. Just let the night take you without obligation and I find that we have a much better time then.

After being ejected from out cosy spot by the security guard begining the process of locking up, we wished each other a good night and luck for our poor study attempts for our exam tomorrow. Good friends can give light to any dark day. They help without even realising it.

a clarification: brains and my awesomes

On my most recent post I said that I always pass my exams, easily. I owe a clarification:

I am very driven. I usually strive to achieve the best marks possible. In saying that, I am also competitive, and want to gain better marks than my fellow students. It drives me to try harder, push myself and be the top of whatever I do.

Its productive for me, and I guess I wouldn't have gotten here if I don't have that competitive streak. I guess that's why I find it so surprising that ocassionally, I just don't care. I have no energy, no drive.... but I've already said that. And I probably will again at a later date, recalling my progress through school.

I'm also smart. I'd have to be, or I wouldn't be where I am, regardless of how hard I try and how hard I push. I can grasp concepts easily, and I'd say in my sleep, but I'd hesitate to give you false information. I also have a photographic memory. "oooo, lucky me". I wish.

While I find it rather "easy" to learn things, remember things (not names so much though, but more on that later) I also find my natural ability in the class room to be a detriment to my social life. In early school it wasn't so bad. Marks weren't such an issue I guess. But as time wore on and we hit the hard years, competition comes out and people don't socialise as much. I've always been told by family and the like that it was because I am intimidating.... I think I'm easy to get along with. And those good-advice-givers in the same breath as telling me that I'm intimidating, also tell me I'm friendly and approachable. Odd combination.

But here in Uni, among the best of the best, I find other competitive people such as myself. But they seem to hate me for breezing through like I seem to do.

Truth is, I'm lazy. I don't want to work if I don't have to. And I don't have to work to pass. But I have to work extraordinarily hard to beat those super-study-students who spend as much of their spare time studying. I'd prefer to do other things, I value friends and the like. People are important to me.

And that brings me nice and semi-neatly to my point. It frustrates me that people decide to regard me as an enemy or something just because I am naturally gifted in the brains department. I'd love a challenge by some friends to push me harder. To make me work.

The bitchiness and politics of the people in my course make it hard to find good people, good friends, close people I'd want as my awesomes because I know they'd fly anywhere in the world for me.

I dislike the petty behaviours that you find most people exhibit. I thought it was just high school, but I have found that it continues in Univeristy, even in the more elite courses. Such is the difficulty of making true friends, and therein lies one of the values of the few select true friends I have happened to stumble across in life: they are my awesomes and I can't see me ever loosing them.

one single boat fighting the current

Its busy, its hard, I get tired. Its not the first time, but it surprises me every time. Exam week is hard. The tireless effort that you have to put in eventually wears you down. You give up, cease to care, begin to let it slide. One day it hit me. Well, today it hit me. I woke up and realised that I don't care. I can't remember when I began to not care. I'll pass, I always do, easily. That's not the point. I have begun to loose the desire to be the best, to do the best, to be the best that I can be. Its almost like I no longer care where I belong in my cohort (marks wise?) and potentially where I belong in the world.

I am begining to think that its not just about Uni. It could also be about life. For so long during high school I just studied. I had friends, but only true ones towards the later part of year 12. I didn't put in the effort to socialise and I didn't care, my climbing marks gave me the pleasure that i now seek out with my awesomes, my really good friends. But I haven't had much social contact since begining study week. I even now sort of hide from my housemates. I want to be alone. I seek the silence and avoid that social etiquette of having to be pleasant and sociable with the people around you. Its not that I don't want to talk, I don't want to have to talk to them. not right now, anyway.

In saying that, I'm not being all morbid and "emo". I actually really enjoy the way my really close friends recognise that I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" and am just not myself today. the beautiful thing about the people that love you is that they are there for you even when you have nothing to give them. My boyfriend lay on my bed holding me even though I couldn't say what was wrong, even though I couldn't give him the happy conversation i usually do. My person keeps her eye out. I know I can call her any time of day or night, drop by just because I need company. Its people like that I enjoy having in my life. But they are hard to find and so precious to me. I believe that it is the people in your life that make it all worthwhile.